Cxiam Veti Sur Duke

"You can kill us, set us on fire, skin us, beat us and rape us, but you can never stop Duke Nukem Forever. You can drown us in shitty games with emo mutes that trapse around not having sex with anything or even being ballsy enough to saw anything or flood us with generic suit wearing gimps that fight partially inflated trash bags on mars and we will never stop. Duke Nukem Forever is coming. Mortal men may not craft him, gods might not live long enough to play him, the very universe itself may fold under his might, but he will come and there will not be a toilet big enough to park his bricks in.

You can all dance around in your ignorance, your pithy idea that mere financial mechanisms of mere men can stop him. That simply because nobody is there to craft the one true creator, the he cannot rise from his own rest is reason to assume he will never return is pure lunacy. Duke Nukem Forever is Forever. He is before, he is after and he is during, forever. Mock all you want, you could never really grasp the idea of what forever is, let along what duke himself is and you never will."

Duke Nukem Forever is a first person shooter that has been in development since 1997. It is a sequel to the 1996 classic shooter Duke Nukem 3D.

Over twelve years of development have bankrupted its original creators, 3D Realms. Considering that 3D Realms was instrumental in the birthing of another timeless franchise, that's saying something.

Thanks to a firesale of the property to these guys, Duke will finally see the light of day this summer.

In the time since DNF was announced, the PSOne, PS2, PS3, Xbox, Xbox 360, Gamecube, Wii, and at least eight flavors of handheld were announced and released. Sega fell out of the hardware wars and reinvented itself as a terrible publisher of terrible video games (with a few exceptions). The entire Halo franchise was conceived, released, and handed off to new developers. Grand Theft Auto went from a top-down budget game to what it is today. Mario starred in over 50 games.

When Duke Nukem Forever was first announced, nobody had ever made a shooter set in World War 2, except for the one with a robot Hitler with machine gun arms at the end.

To put it in terms nongamers can understand: The entire Harry Potter, Matrix, Twilight, Lord of the Rings, and Pirates of the Caribbean franchises came and went, ran into the ground. 8 seasons of 24. The Sopranos. Sex and the City. Seinfeld off the air.

Even the lowest common denominator should understand the gravity of the fact that when DNF was first announced, the idea of Reality TV hadn't even been tested yet.

When Duke Nukem Forever was first announced, Fox News was less than a year old.

When Duke Nukem Forever was first announced. Justin Bieber was still wetting the bed and more likely than not had a security blanket.

When Duke Nukem Forever was first announced, MTV still played music videos for a good part of the day.

Duke Nukem Forever is forever.

Duke Nukem Forever is the once and future king, it is everything that is right with video games. In a day and age when even the masters of the artform are chasing the quick money to be had by selling glorified poke-poke-swipe flash games to grandmothers and sorority girls at 99 cents a pop, Duke Nukem Forever is coming to bring the medium back to its essence.

This is Duke Nukem Forever:



Duke Nukem Forever will not be a game that your grandmother can play.

It will not be a game that your girlfriend will download on her iPad and tinker with whenever Jersey Shore goes to commercial.

It will not be the game that mainstream news journalists cover for their biannual sweeps week story about how GAME X might be the one to FINALLY MAKE GAMES RESPECATABLE1!!!

Duke Nukem Forever will be a game where an impossibly muscular white male shoots every goddamn thing that moves to save strippers with flawless bodies from an alien invasion.

Duke Nukem Forever has a multiplayer game mode where you capture the other team's flag back to your base, except the flag is a babe, with the twist being that every so often, you have to give her a playful smack on the rear so she doesn't get away.

Duke Nukem Forever doesn't need your respect, thank you.

Duke Nukem Forever will be a game where the tutorial level has you throw poop at the walls just because you can, before heading onto a football field to take down an giant alien overlord with three tits.

After the tutorial, the camera pulls back, and you find out that the entire first level was Duke playing as himself in his video game while two blonde twins in schoolgirl outfits kneel before him.

Through all this, Duke sits upon a literal throne. The girls adjust themselves, implying they've been busy, and one asks him, "...but what about the game, Duke? Was it good?"

Duke says: "After 12 fucking years, it better be."

Duke Nukem Forever is meta as fuck.

Yeah, Duke Nukem Forever is that kind of awesome.

Duke Nukem Forever won't be an open world with six or seven hundred different paths to the same two endings. Duke Nukem Forever won't have a morality system. Duke Nukem Forever won't even have a life bar - when Duke gets shot, his EGO goes down. (Not joking!) The idea that Duke could ever die is laughable: When Duke gets shot enough, he simply throws his hands in the air and says the hell with it.

Duke Nukem Forever is sexist. So what? It is the 80s action movie made playable. It is stupid. It is loud. It is violent. It is crude. It is what it is, and Duke Nukem Forever will be a contender for game of 2011. No matter what may come, Duke Nukem Forever is possibly - nay, probably - the game of the decade, plus two years.

You can play it in June. Hail to the King.